You’re so Bain

By Alan Parsons

Life can make one compulsive from time to time and I felt like I needed a change. After much soul searching and thinking I decided to try and apply for a job at Bain Capital (yes that Bain Capital).Friends and family were slightly shocked yet I told them that Venture Capital is not bad. Being a venture capitalist helps to propel the economy forward you can become a job creator! (not to mention enough money to purchase a sweet ride). After a few weeks of waiting I received a phone call giving me the news that they want to schedule an interview. Quickly my head swam with the myriad of possibilities I can now put my numerous college degrees and analytical skills to good use. The time had come to serve a higher purpose Bain Capital here I come.

The day was sunny and bright like my prospects. I could not stop grinning from ear to ear feeling like a child. While the facade looked like any other building to me it represented a Chocolate Factory and in my hands the golden ticket. Walking in the door swings open to reveal… a ten foot statue of Mitt Romney? The inscription at the base read in Mitt we trust.” Truthfully I felt slightly queasy but what’s a little political disappointment to stop me from achieving a dream with the money I’ll make who needs politics. A n immaculately dressed and groom White Anglo gentleman stands before me he welcomes me to Bain Capital and tells me follow him to the office. On the way I can’t help but notice the walls are lined with mirrors. Because of this good looking Ayran men and women in power suits are constantly checking themselves out and smiling apparently fond about what they see. The ritual continued all the way to the office I found it odd and narcissistic but who cares I will be purchasing a BMW next week cash! The office was a cross between a Casino and Taj Mahal, a little bit of opulence and some American sleaze, there was an inordinate amount of animal heads and pro NRA posters peppered the wall. I did my best to try to remain focused. The well dressed man failed to properly introduce himself and launched into a ten minute long monologue about the virtues of Bain Capital and explained their business model clearly to me. In essence he told me that the game is about Screwing people over! In a very graphic way he created a visual image in my mind. He told me that to make it in Bain you have to not give a shit when a cut needs to be made you make it tenfold. He went on to explain about the philosophy that Romney imparted upon them the little people do not matter only the corporation.

I started to feel slightly sick but continued to sit there at the promise of a fat paycheck and stock options.As the presentation wore on he too out a copy of Atlas Shrugged and asked me who Ayn Rand was? The interactive moment took me aback for a second but he clearly expected an answer. He was pleased when I gave my answer and acknowledged her, but he states that Ayn Rand is their Goddess once hired at Bain Capital her works are required reading. Then he states that it goes beyond reading every month something must be sacrificed to Ms. Rand preferably a sacrifice involving human flesh?

I pretend not to hear the last bit although it seemed like an awkward joke but there was not a trace of a smile on his face. Over in the corner I could not help but notice a most vile looking bird in a cage. He went on to tell me it is a vulture and it was brought to the company by Mitt. He explains that the Vulture in Capitalist circles is a symbol of power and nobility. It is an animal not afraid to take risks. The bird symbolizes the way that a Venture Capitalist would feed off the carcass of a dying company.

As he states this he breaks out a small packet and lays a white powder over his desk he snorts it wildly and explains that there is nothing like taking cocaine while interviewing a job candidate. Things were beginning to get wild his questions a little more pointed he asked me about masturbation hobbies, if I support Progressive politicians, if I believe in war or gay marriage. I tried to politely fend the questions off but with each avoidance he only grew more aggressive and did larger amounts of cocaine.

After a while he seemed to go into a daze and stare of into space. The vulture in the corner was making strange sounds and I felt exhausted. He asks what he thinks about Bain can I see myself working here. His smile took on a serial killer quality to it as he awaited my response. Then everything made perfect sense to me in a moment of clarity I realized this whole venture had been one stupid mistake. Perhaps the lust for cash had briefly taken hold much like the lust for gold took a hold of conquistadors. Being a venture capitalist would have provided good money but is it worth it? At that moment as the well dressed man did his fifth line of cocaine I told him a pressing issue came up and that I had to go. He did not put up any fight and went to sleep. Meanwhile I simply ran out of the halls of Bain but not before checking myself out in the mirror.

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