Carolina Love

By Alan Parsons

  • Carolina knows how to party if your straight that is…..


Carolina knows how to party if your straight that is…..This assignment would be certainly be interesting. Going down to the heart of the beast a place that has just passed a ban on Gay Marriage in 2012. I am doing this report to see the view from the horse’s mouth. What makes your average North Carolina citizen tick? What is the reason for accepting so archaic and backward a law by popular vote. Hopped on caffeine and with fingers crossed I drive into Carolina hoping to get an answer to the burning questions and not get burned in the process…

The drive was hellish, I am terribly nervous pulling up to a white home behind a picket fence. It has a Leave it to Beaver facade part of Norman Rockwell’s America. There is a crucifix on the door showing their allegiance and I am greeted by a meek somber woman who bade me welcome. The living room is full of Christina Paraphernalia and several bibles are artfully placed to create a sanctimonious atmosphere. The man who sits in front of me is a devout believer, a man of the cloth. He has decided to share some insight on the North Carolina Amendment against Gay Marriage and why it is important. “So did you see the President and Vice President have Come out of the Closet!”

The sentence left me a little off balance as I never expected it. Quickly I recovered to try t and make things less awkward asking him to elaborate on this opening. He chuckles and explains that the President of the United States has just stated he is in favor of Gay marriage, as the Vice President has done he then states that is perfect proof that they are Homosexuals. In being open minded to the interviewee, I ask for clarification and he goes on to say that Homosexuality is a Sin and that any true straight man of Christian Faith would never side with the Right to Marry therefore the President is essentially coming out. Before I can interject any logic into this conversation he goes on to ramble about politics, How the United States has become a Babylon of Sin and how in the Second Coming the Lord will smite all of those who do not believe he then finishes with because the bible said so.

I smile politely my head already in intense pain but I am in the man’s house. He goes on to say that America is founded on Christ and that the reason we now have a Homosexual President is because we have turned our backs on Jesus. Then he goes on to say that Obama is not even from this country and besides his homosexuality he is also a non-citizen who has fooled the masses. Trying to pry the clam for more useless information I ask him the all important question “How does he know this? Then with a smirk and dumb smile he states because Jesus has told him so. I want to con contradict him flatly grab him by shoulders and shake just a little but it is North Carolina he may have a gun nearby…I then ask what he would like to see in this country and he states he would like to see an America run under Christian laws free from Homosexual Socialist Muslim Foreigners or as he call these folks Obamas. Slightly nauseated I thank him for the insight and continue to take the show on the road..


Driving further I find a Little Slice of Heaven….. Mobile Home Park. My next interviewee wants to give a female perspective on the Amendment. I get to a humble little trailer and relatively good looking blond woman answers the door, I am slightly smitten until she opens her mouth to speak. She bade me come inside there five children who look oddly like extras from Children of the Corn running around yelling and screaming, she shouts them down and tells them to be quiet or she’ll beat them.. in a most motherly way. I sit down with her face to face and she gives me a coquettish smile, I remind her the purpose of the interview so I begin to ask about her take on the recently passed law. She is excited that for once North Carolina is thinking of the children. She tells me how the Gays are everywhere nowadays even in her children’s school twisting their little minds with propaganda. She states that everywhere they go all they do is promote a Gay Agenda and is a good thing that they will be stopped from breeding? (yes she said breeding) I ask why Gay Marriage is particularly wrong and she claims because it eventually its a slippery slope for all sorts of wrong things including sex with farm animals. Her theory is that Gay people want to break down all the walls of morality and subvert children so that there can be a new generation of more militant homosexuals. She also states she is afraid her kids may catch up the “gay bug” and end up wanting to be gay just to join a lifestyle. I ask her if she knows any gay people and she states that proudly she does not deal with them personally that they are disgusting and vile. She states she also hates how the gays are all pro big government and screwing the people, as she speaks I can’t help but notice several food stamp vouchers on her coffee table. So just to change the topic I ask her if she takes welfare and she says hell yes if its out there I use it. I thank her for her time feeling slightly unsettle by the experience as I am going to leave she tells me that her husband is not due home for another couple of hours and if I would like a blow job, I politely decline telling her that I am in a bit of a time crunch and off I go to my final interview.

I drive to a non descript home my head already spinning. Outside there are two flag hanging on the door way a Confederate Flag and a Tea Party favorite which states simply Don’t Tread on Me. The denizen of this household seems normal enough he is an academic looking fellow who may give some substance to the madness. I ask him about the Amendment against Gay Marriage, he states it is a triumph h against Big Government. He then goes on to propound an economic theory that the acceptance of gay marriage will lead to higher taxes and an erosion of our civil liberties. I ask him to further elaborate this and he states that Gay Marriage causes a deficit in the Federal Budget, he states he heard this while listening to Rush Limbaugh. He tells me he is sick of the Gay Agenda which is doing nothing more than corrupting America. He states that Gay people do not deserve to have any rights they are living of the welfare state and do not contribute anything of redeeming value to society. He goes on to point out that none of the Founding Fathers were Gay therefore it means that America was founded to be strictly a heterosexual society. He says that gay people are also evil and want to corrupt children in the country and that every sexual predator he has ever heard about is in fact a perverted homosexual. He states that it is disappointing that Obama stands in favor of Gay Marriage then again he said nothing surprises him coming from a Marxist. My head is now throbbing and I need a drink desperately I thank him for his time and run out and get in my car and drive…..


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